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momijizukamori) wrote2013-09-19 08:07 pm
momijizukamori) wrote2013-09-19 08:07 pm
Entry tags:
Mindware hacking: the symptoms
Forewarning: some discussion of mental health stuff follows, though nothing particularly triggery. Basically, now that I've got the worst of my mental health problems under control, I'm squaring up against the smaller stuff. With the disadvantage that because lol HMOs I can't change meds or go to therapy right now so I have to pretend to be self-directed.
Any advice/input/feedback is seriously welcomed as I ponder how to handle these. Also I'm pretty sure this post was more coherent when I was writing it in my head in bed last night but they don't have a direct brain-to-text interface yet.
forgetfullness/detail execution - this comes up the most in my work and in coding as a problem (though the forgetfulness is a problem elsewhere, hello buying everything at the store except the one thing I came to get). I end up having to go over work over and over to fix the stupid mistakes I made earlier. Or if it's a sewing project, sitting and crying inside because I can't fix stupid mistakes without starting from scratch. It's not that I don't know the stuff I screw up, I'm just somehow too scatterbrained to catch it on the first go through
difficulty with starting things - NUMBER ONE PROBLEM. Unless it's something I'm either super-excited about or there's an immediate, clear consequence to not doing it, I go 'eh, later'. This is basically why I can manage to drag myself to work on time but skipped almost every class my senior year. It's also why I have about a billion half-finished projects that I was SUPER-EXCITED about when I started, but didn't finish in one go, and still want to finish but not enough to overcome the activation barrier necessary to actually do work on them.
feeling overwhelmed by backlog - ...the immediate consequence of the above. 'I sort of want to do this thing, but not enough to do it now, so I'll queue it up to do it later'. 'Later' perpetually remains 'later', the queue builds up, and then my anxiety kicks in because I have OMG! SO MUCH TO DO! and I freak out and go do something mindless all day because it's 'safe'.
insomnia/sleep problems - my body wants ten hours of sleep a night :( I also have trouble going back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night, which may or may not be a side effect of the Effexor. Before I was on meds this was usually anxiety-related, ie, endless loop of worry, but now it's just and endless loop of mental list making and blog post writing and 'oh, I should get around to doing [x] today'. Which screws up my already screwed up time management even further, means my energy levels (particularly mentally and emotionally) are all over the place, and fucks with scheduling.
inability to handle obstacles - something that comes up the most in coding - with most craft stuff I have enough knowledge to know the tools to go to when I hit a wall, but with coding? HELP IT'S NOT WORKING THIS IS TOO HARD I GIVE UP. Basic troubleshooting doesn't even start happening, I just shut down.
More solution brainstorming when I finish reading the ADD/ADHD self-help books I got out from the library (not actually attempting self-diagnosis, but whatever combination of problems my brain has seem to manifest mostly as ADHD-brainlike problems)
Any advice/input/feedback is seriously welcomed as I ponder how to handle these. Also I'm pretty sure this post was more coherent when I was writing it in my head in bed last night but they don't have a direct brain-to-text interface yet.
forgetfullness/detail execution - this comes up the most in my work and in coding as a problem (though the forgetfulness is a problem elsewhere, hello buying everything at the store except the one thing I came to get). I end up having to go over work over and over to fix the stupid mistakes I made earlier. Or if it's a sewing project, sitting and crying inside because I can't fix stupid mistakes without starting from scratch. It's not that I don't know the stuff I screw up, I'm just somehow too scatterbrained to catch it on the first go through
difficulty with starting things - NUMBER ONE PROBLEM. Unless it's something I'm either super-excited about or there's an immediate, clear consequence to not doing it, I go 'eh, later'. This is basically why I can manage to drag myself to work on time but skipped almost every class my senior year. It's also why I have about a billion half-finished projects that I was SUPER-EXCITED about when I started, but didn't finish in one go, and still want to finish but not enough to overcome the activation barrier necessary to actually do work on them.
feeling overwhelmed by backlog - ...the immediate consequence of the above. 'I sort of want to do this thing, but not enough to do it now, so I'll queue it up to do it later'. 'Later' perpetually remains 'later', the queue builds up, and then my anxiety kicks in because I have OMG! SO MUCH TO DO! and I freak out and go do something mindless all day because it's 'safe'.
insomnia/sleep problems - my body wants ten hours of sleep a night :( I also have trouble going back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night, which may or may not be a side effect of the Effexor. Before I was on meds this was usually anxiety-related, ie, endless loop of worry, but now it's just and endless loop of mental list making and blog post writing and 'oh, I should get around to doing [x] today'. Which screws up my already screwed up time management even further, means my energy levels (particularly mentally and emotionally) are all over the place, and fucks with scheduling.
inability to handle obstacles - something that comes up the most in coding - with most craft stuff I have enough knowledge to know the tools to go to when I hit a wall, but with coding? HELP IT'S NOT WORKING THIS IS TOO HARD I GIVE UP. Basic troubleshooting doesn't even start happening, I just shut down.
More solution brainstorming when I finish reading the ADD/ADHD self-help books I got out from the library (not actually attempting self-diagnosis, but whatever combination of problems my brain has seem to manifest mostly as ADHD-brainlike problems)